Regret

I feel like I regret something. Something hard and heavy exists in my chest, which I can't pull out or push in. Life, right now, tasteless, everything is colorless. I am not exaggerating it's just facts. I don't even care anything anymore. I don't know whether it is good or bad. I don't know what I should have done on the other night. If I got drunk like them, would she see me as other guy?  Or should I had smoke the cigarette that she offered? Or should I had danced when she said so? Even though, I hate those 3, should I had done those 3? 

It is not me! I want to be me. I am a guy who hates alcohols, cigarette. It's just I don't understand myself, why am I regretting. She lives in different world, I live in different world. I can't live in hers, because of those 2, therefore, she can't endure my world. But it is not hard, but she loves her life more than anything. I just sometimes wonder that if I was womanizer, alcoholic, smoker, I would've attract her. 

Maybe, it's just I suck. Maybe, I should have done all those things that she offered. I just should have got drunk, smoke despite I would have cough hardly. However, that's not me, I can't live as another person to attract her. I am who I am. So maybe this misery is just a test.