i feel like wanna write, complain, and fight. today is naadam day. it feels horrible when you are abroad and all the media you go online are about festivity of home country. i feel left behind all these, however, i make myself feel better that i m not only one whos feeling that way.

i need somebody to talk and understand or at least has a sympathy to understand me. but thats okay, i wont be alone all the time. feelings are to last only that moment not eternal yet people want some of them to last forever. today i might be struggling young man who has a very abitious, astronomically large dream for a mid class family oriented individual but when the time comes i will achieve my dream and start another new even harder life, till then i must fight for it. i know what you are thinking, what the hell? isnt it supposed to be easier than that moment? but some people, for example, me, are born to help and give. i am not afraid of that kind of life. i am happier that way.

this parapgraph is for someone whom i thought  would be my soulmate. you are rainbow. absolutely gorgious and stunningly beautiful. it brings me only sadness and grief that we had to apart in the end. however, dont be sad, dear. in another life, we might end up together. that time, never let me go nor i let you. i wish we could share more time and memories.

Юу ч бичих юм дээ, яах гэж ч бичих гээд байгаа юм мэдэхгүй. Ойрдоо их л юм үзлээ дээ. Тэгээд өөрийнхөө талаар нэг зүйлийг их сайн ойлголоо. Би ерөөсөө хар бор ажил хийж сураагүй юм байна гэдгээ мэдэв. Багаасаа л эцэг эхээрээ бөөцийлүүлж өссөн, дээрээс нь их эрх танхил байсан юм байна. Амьдрал дээр гараад ёстой л нусаа хацартаа нааж байна даа. Гэхдээ би шантраагүй нтр гэж худлаа ярихгүй, үнэнээ хэлэхэд их гутарсан. Яагаад хүний хийж чадаад байгаа зүйлийг би тэднээс удаан бас муу хийгээд байна вэ? Яг хэрэгтэй мөчид би яагаад чадахгүй байна вэ? Би дотроо бодохдоо за ингээд л хийгээд л байгаагаараа байхад л болчихноо гэж боддог байсан. Гэвч амьдрал тийм биш юм байна, хүмүүс тийм биш юм байна. Тэд бусдаас илүүг хүсдэг, хардаг бас авахыг хичээдэг.

Энэ мөчид би гутраад суух хэрэг үү? Тэгмээр байгаа ч надад тийм эрх даанч байхгүй. Одоо л зогсвол би тэр чигтээ л зогсоно. Одоо л хичээх ёстой, одоо л чадах ёстой. Одоо, одоо, одоо. Одоо л би амьдарч, одоо л би шийдэж, одоо л би хийх ёстой. Одоо надад ухрах уу, урагшлах уу гэсэн 2 сонголт л бий. Би ухрах дургүй хүн, бас ухрах гэж амьдардаггүй, зогсох гэж амьдардаггүй.

Юмыг дэндүү амарханаас сэтгэж, бодож явсан маань одоо надад гай л болж байна. Өөрийн энэ байдлаа би өнөөдрөөс эхэлж засах хэрэгтэй. Эрх танхил өссөний шинждээ гэж... Өөрийнхөө мууг мэдэрлээ. Өөрийгөө ихийг хийж чадна тийм ч муугүй хүн л гэж бодож явсан минь үнэхэээээээр буруу байж. Үнэндээ би бол хал үзээгүй эрх хүү л юм байна.

Delivery man

             Here's me lying in bed, wide awake at 4:10 AM. I feel somehow happy after Delivery Man film. I want to remind my future self that if you are having rough time and stuff. Maybe watch it again, I know you would think like useless thing. But, dude, sometimes just do it without asking questions or if you've been doing it always then maybe do it one more time. You will find something in the end, something that you've forgotten.

           Another thing I know and I feel right now is she won't come to me. All hope is ceaselessly going away by ticks of a clock. Sentimental yet accepted that I've lost her forever. I know good days will come but why not now? Enough with the stupid questions. Let's just walk forward, I can't run away from truth. But it really felt like we are one, perfectly matching and filling up the absence in ourselves. And she too believed in it. Will I regret that I lost her? Will I think about her on a gloomy Sunday nights or when rain pours outside of my window to resemble all the tears my heart would dribble for her? At this moment, I feel like I am losing something very important and I would never see that again. I guess, that's life.

          Life always existed between hellos and byes, doors to doors, rooms to rooms, days to nights. I know I need to learn how to say bye, but it's just too cruel. How come I can't have one thing that I want for my own sake? Does my life for the good  for others? Well that sounds great but isn't it bit unfair to me? If the sky saved up someone for me, it better be clever as her or more.

         She's very clever. She understands and manipulates someone perfectly as she wants and she leaves when it doesn't. A bit childish yet cute and controlling, overly. I might not last long with her in that attitude of hers but she would understand that I need some time and space too. I really want her on my side forever, maybe. We could share everything and create our small yet magnificently strange world then live there peacefully. I could see her smiling at me happily with a look with full of love and sweetness. Sun shines behind her hair strings slightly flashing every now and then that my eyes couldn't adapt in flashiness. Ahh, that would be brilliant if it was all true. I could overcome every obstacle of life with her, by my side. Some dreams are just... too good to be true. I could love her all by my heart but, perhaps, it is not enough to fill up the void of her greediness.

       At this moment, I let misery of losing her and not seeing her again after 2 months overcome me. Why? because it's just it. Sometimes, people like to be with their misery and pity themselves for a moment and wake up with a nice fake smile on their face as if nothing happened last night. That's me and that's what I do to overcome misery.

Say no to love, cuz she doesn't suit you
Say hello to misery, cuz she doesn't love you
Sky's over you to remind purpose you have
So say no to love and taste the misery