Here's me lying in bed, wide awake at 4:10 AM. I feel somehow happy after Delivery Man film. I want to remind my future self that if you are having rough time and stuff. Maybe watch it again, I know you would think like useless thing. But, dude, sometimes just do it without asking questions or if you've been doing it always then maybe do it one more time. You will find something in the end, something that you've forgotten.
Another thing I know and I feel right now is she won't come to me. All hope is ceaselessly going away by ticks of a clock. Sentimental yet accepted that I've lost her forever. I know good days will come but why not now? Enough with the stupid questions. Let's just walk forward, I can't run away from truth. But it really felt like we are one, perfectly matching and filling up the absence in ourselves. And she too believed in it. Will I regret that I lost her? Will I think about her on a gloomy Sunday nights or when rain pours outside of my window to resemble all the tears my heart would dribble for her? At this moment, I feel like I am losing something very important and I would never see that again. I guess, that's life.
Life always existed between hellos and byes, doors to doors, rooms to rooms, days to nights. I know I need to learn how to say bye, but it's just too cruel. How come I can't have one thing that I want for my own sake? Does my life for the good for others? Well that sounds great but isn't it bit unfair to me? If the sky saved up someone for me, it better be clever as her or more.
She's very clever. She understands and manipulates someone perfectly as she wants and she leaves when it doesn't. A bit childish yet cute and controlling, overly. I might not last long with her in that attitude of hers but she would understand that I need some time and space too. I really want her on my side forever, maybe. We could share everything and create our small yet magnificently strange world then live there peacefully. I could see her smiling at me happily with a look with full of love and sweetness. Sun shines behind her hair strings slightly flashing every now and then that my eyes couldn't adapt in flashiness. Ahh, that would be brilliant if it was all true. I could overcome every obstacle of life with her, by my side. Some dreams are just... too good to be true. I could love her all by my heart but, perhaps, it is not enough to fill up the void of her greediness.
At this moment, I let misery of losing her and not seeing her again after 2 months overcome me. Why? because it's just it. Sometimes, people like to be with their misery and pity themselves for a moment and wake up with a nice fake smile on their face as if nothing happened last night. That's me and that's what I do to overcome misery.
