A little flashback

Struggle through the whole sea of life with torment, disease, apart, and tears could reward you in the end? Forget about happy ending, what's meaning of life and which one is the happiest moment? As I lived only few years comparing to any other 80s or 70s people, I could tell you that happiest moments were always in the past. Since I don't remember everything I left behind, I only recall few of them clearly as seeing someone's life through a glass.

Shabby little single studio apartment where dad, mom, my little sister and me lived was 3 blocks away from my school. Although, our family wasn't really enough to considered as middle class one, I have occasionally experienced hunger, though, I believe, mom experienced much of it. I don't remember when it happened exactly but I must have been neither very young nor old enough to cook like other people learn to cook. Dad was abroad to study and mom was working late as me and my sister had nothing to eat but core of the cabbage which is the hardest part of it so people usually throw it away. Since, my sister was crying from hunger, I cooked the hard cabbage like mom did, when I always see her while she was cooking in the kitchen where she taught me all she could and told me whom she wanted me to become. First put some oil in the brown pan and turn on the old stove which took almost half an hour to heat up, then put the sliced cabbages and put one spoon of salt with one glass of water then wait till the water evaporates. It must have been late Autumn because as I remember sun was down at 8 o'clock and I could smell chill from the windows aside from the delicious cabbage smell. When cabbage's done, I poured the it into 2 small cups which didn't really get full. Then I gave one of the cup to my sister and ate another one my own. It didn't taste bad but it didn't tasted good either, well, at least it shut her up and my headache from hunger lessened.

In the mornings, I usually got up at 7:00 am and prepare myself for the school till 7:30 and leave the house with 100 tugrug, which is a dime in US currency. I usually bought 1 apple and 1 gum each worth 5 cents. I ate the apple before the classes for the breakfast and chewed the gum all day because it make me feel less hungry with some tap water. I am not implying that my parents were irresponsible people, it's just what we could afford that time. A day wasn't that long for a boy like me who always in search for joy after long math lessons. Although, I had to look after my younger sister, I left her with girls, since I was careless, and went to play football or something that my alley friends could came up with. And in the evening, I sometimes did my homework or just watched TV with my sister while waiting for mom.

Now that I think of it, these days were very important because hunger never get forgotten from someone's mind and it also carries valuable memories. Mindless, miserable yet unknown, and happy days of my past. If I were to experience it again one day, I definitely would take the chance. What's the meaning of life? Well, one of the many meanings is to relive those priceless short movies in your mind with its blue feelings. Past always seem happy, precious and utterly tender because it would never happen again as humankind always keen to pursue the impossible and the perfection. Every struggle story should end up with happy ending? Since, my life hasn't ended yet, I can't give you the right answer. However, a farmer always harvest what he planted as a person always get what he deserves.

Well, occasionally.

Every now and then he fights himself during hardships of the life. Love was topic of them mostly as all spring youth should face the feeling of chest would burst open with a three single magical yet highly risky words. World itself could dangling on these words, these words are line of the hell and heaven. Once they released from  a locked chest in front of the right person, the one would gamble all its hope of creating a miracle. Lungful of air brings jolt to the nerves as sunshine would warm up anything out of the shade. One can never know when to fall in love and it might be waiting just around the corner of the any street in the any town or, should I say, anywhere.

However, waiting it would happen, perhaps, is not wise choice to make. One could end up anywhere since anywhere is the place where Love exists. 

Sometimes joyful movies or sentimental animations bring back the times when the one felt love. And anyone who would felt that way would want that they want to feel it again someday as children wants candies always.

But reality is... a hope... that love will be around the corner.

Struggle to the Happiness

I don't like to name things before it has done. Mainly, because I feel that it might end way too far from the name. Of course, one cant' know what could strike one's mind in due course of writing. Thus, everyone's life name can't be written before one has born. The one can end up everywhere, but, certainly, it can considered as a fate that has already written. Either way, I don't really care. Time only goes forward to prove that.

I don't really feel like writing right now, although, I wanted to write long time. I argued with my friend today about who should do house chores and his unbearable girlfriend who is not dedicated to him. And I watched Superman new movie which was silver lining of my fruitless day. Well, it wasn't completely fruitless.

I just realized that I had started 2 paragraphs with "I don't." Maybe, I am too careful about things. I am scared that I would call wrong decision or consequence. Why am I being such coward that can't tell things for sure? Did life make me so fragile that would shatter as wind simply blows or tick of a dust fell on my soul? I, personally, believe that one should make mistakes until one would face reality. BUT I don't wanna make mistakes, I just want to make big right decisions that would affect people to feel happy about their lives. I want to make world a better place.

Oh right, I just watched "Admission" film. And I received an understanding that lazy, unpassionate guy like me would never get accepted to these big universities which I would like to attend if I am possible. They accept only perfect students. Well, what I would say is that I will see if I can slip in someway and hope for the best.

 Life seems hard at this point, like nothing is sure even tomorrow. Insecurity feels as if I am rolling down the high mountain without any brake or something to hold on. Security and comfort feel like they are different words with same meaning. Am I relying on others too much and not believing in myself? I think so. My self-confidence is lost somewhere along the road. Until last May, I couldn't even ask girl's number that I would get rejected right on the place. But I did not which gave me some kind of self-conscious that I am not really a hunchback of Notre dame. I guess, life wasn't really serious until this point where I am not under control of my parents. I fully relied on them 100% which is shameful. I should have been more careful or not. Maybe most people feel this way when they face it. I was so dependent from my environment and even I do things without B plan, my parents still got my back. I didn't afraid of anything at all. But now I feel like I can't even change myself. Well, someone would tell me that I was very successful at my academics which is fortunate to me. But what if it was mere luck that guided me through those hard times? Should I rely on my mere luck? I wish I could. However, I am not superstitious about luck. I depend on preparations which makes me materialistic person even though I don't believe money won't buy happiness. But I should convince myself that it sure does make me feel safe.

Speaking of money, earning it is horrible. The one has to work 12 hours a day with 1 hour break at most. I feel dreadfully exhausted when I return. I want to do other fun things over internet but I can't. I am exhausted, my all energy gone for earning money that would reasonable cover my tuition fee, that I now think that earning a money through hard labor is just struggle to the happiness. I've never seen it from this angle. I merely thought that I am working for some other people which is terrible thing to realize.

I am so glad that I have written all these. Not just because I understood myself, but also speaking to myself feels quite useful times like this. It helps me to control and grasp my purpose. In the end, I decided to name this post as "Struggle to the happiness" which seems huge to write for likes of me and also it recalls the certain Will Smith's film. However, I just did it, therefore, I can make huge things in future that I would name it after I've done it, even though, it is painfully blurry right at this moment. What I have to do is that I have to stay employed and I merely have to try and believe in myself that I can do anything out of reach that I see I can't do, reasoning that writing this post or should I say essay was totally unbelievable thing to do in 30 minutes for me.