Center

Every scar on my heart has their unique stories as if they are have different characteristics like people. Only same thing in each scar is that they are on a same surface. I'm experiencing quite a time in this world, I know I will think I was a little child back then when I read those posts. However, right now, I feel like I am kind of starting to grasp clinch of life. I knew everything won't go as I wanted, but I never really understood it. Each time I fall in love, I end up torturing my heart, bit by bit, slice by slice. Life was always been like this to me or should I say love, I don't really hate life or love and I have no objection to blame them. I just understood what they have been and what they are going to be in future.

Easy life only exists in book. Since, we can't exactly experience what the main character is going to through, it's just fancy words of total epic story of a man. I wish  we could experience from the books, but we can only get scars on ourselves from reality instead of edgeless words. These hardships ruin fancy dreams and they shatter like glass hitting a floor then scattering in every direction. Broken shards can't be glued, flown time can't be rewinded. How many dreams shattered like this before? Humankind has been fascinating drama yet only few got what they wanted. All in bets gone wrong 99% of the time but had they achieved happiness in the end?

Perhaps, accepting life as it is counts as giving in. However, I did not give up at all. I don't want to write great philosophical ideas or perspectives. I just want to find what I am feeling right now. I will leave things as they were and won't change a single dust on them. Loving women seems futile, they never appreciate love when they are pursued. As an undesirable man to the women I loved, I can tell that I wasn't their ideal man. Not just appearance but whole mind itself. Therefore, now I should stop running after girls, but slow down a bit and enjoy the scene where I exist. Love hasn't been favorable to me but one sunny day odds will favor me at least once in my lifetime. Should I prevail that moment, I guess, I will feel something I don't know. Right now I am feeling like I am the center of the universe that all things orbiting around me, I have no desire to change anything or get something, I just want to do what I have to do. Perhaps, this feeling might be called peace of mind.

Enough is enough

I saw you with the chinese guy in the gym doing stuffs. Pain seared through my throat to chest like a hard metal arrow. I felt like I've been losing and lost again. I guess, you were charming the guy with your warm familiar smiles and feeling the same feeling you've always had when you charm someone.

 But on the other hand, I was sort of glad that it made me realize where I was. A clown, that's where I lie in your life, therefore, I'm resigning my post for a greater good. I shouldn't have talked to you on that day. I should have packed my curiosity in my bag, and thinking you as a cheerful, spoiled girl from nowhere who is waiting for her prince to come. We could've headed to home right away, however, you brought up that damn film name and I fell right into your trap like a helpless rabbit. I was perfectly okay until we went to the swing. Why did you agree to go to the swing with a guy you've just met? I was living peaceful, dramaless life with desire to pick up hawt girls. You have nothing special yet you are fucking special.

Now, I had enough. You are already dead to me since you want to die so much. I am gonna fill my cup half full with useful stuffs instead of making it full with useless stuffs.

A dawn

Been a while. Being busy, sleeping during the classes to classes, going work, studying, going home, insomnia. My daily routine since August 27th. Met a couple of good friends who make me laugh, yet inside always all alone. Pretty girls around campus are unspeakables, instructors are passive aggressive dictators. Supervisors are rigid as rock, no heart but work has to be done. Life isn't quite easy as it seems and the sole silver lining during the chaos of my life thinks me as a friend. She put me into her friendzone collection just like she did to other poor lads. Selfishness, cuteness are on her business card yet everybody can't stop to being attracted to her as if they are an iron that can't help itself but to forced to pulled by a magnet.

Playing computer games seems pointless to course of life. Gamers themselves are agreed to think players should be 17-19, therefore, no country for old men  like myself. Quite negative thoughts about life, well that's what I have.

Starting from the good points, I am almost completely on my own, a salmon fish swimming against the current. Being normal as others seems boring since being odd front them feels boring. Again, all alone in the dark room with no one but my sadness, negative thoughts, lost words, and tortured heart. Yeah, I said good friends before, but where are they? aren't they supposed to call you up and hang out? I can't think of anyone that would invite me to come to their house.

Do you want to know what I want? I want someone that would never leave my side. I want someone who talks to me, complain about things and talk anything about life or whatever. It's already an autumn but where's my Autumn? The summer's gone, months ago, yet you deceive me as if it's still summer. Longing to rest but couldn't rest when it comes. Agony is deep. Did I blow everything myself? Perhaps yes, but still no second chance? Why are you being harsh to me? Am I wanting something too much? Can I have her this time? Don't you pity me? When did I had someone I want? I am gonna rise and shine soon so I wanna call this moment a dawn. I maybe pathetic human being, but when I have my goal, I am not at all.