Struggle to the Happiness

I don't like to name things before it has done. Mainly, because I feel that it might end way too far from the name. Of course, one cant' know what could strike one's mind in due course of writing. Thus, everyone's life name can't be written before one has born. The one can end up everywhere, but, certainly, it can considered as a fate that has already written. Either way, I don't really care. Time only goes forward to prove that.

I don't really feel like writing right now, although, I wanted to write long time. I argued with my friend today about who should do house chores and his unbearable girlfriend who is not dedicated to him. And I watched Superman new movie which was silver lining of my fruitless day. Well, it wasn't completely fruitless.

I just realized that I had started 2 paragraphs with "I don't." Maybe, I am too careful about things. I am scared that I would call wrong decision or consequence. Why am I being such coward that can't tell things for sure? Did life make me so fragile that would shatter as wind simply blows or tick of a dust fell on my soul? I, personally, believe that one should make mistakes until one would face reality. BUT I don't wanna make mistakes, I just want to make big right decisions that would affect people to feel happy about their lives. I want to make world a better place.

Oh right, I just watched "Admission" film. And I received an understanding that lazy, unpassionate guy like me would never get accepted to these big universities which I would like to attend if I am possible. They accept only perfect students. Well, what I would say is that I will see if I can slip in someway and hope for the best.

 Life seems hard at this point, like nothing is sure even tomorrow. Insecurity feels as if I am rolling down the high mountain without any brake or something to hold on. Security and comfort feel like they are different words with same meaning. Am I relying on others too much and not believing in myself? I think so. My self-confidence is lost somewhere along the road. Until last May, I couldn't even ask girl's number that I would get rejected right on the place. But I did not which gave me some kind of self-conscious that I am not really a hunchback of Notre dame. I guess, life wasn't really serious until this point where I am not under control of my parents. I fully relied on them 100% which is shameful. I should have been more careful or not. Maybe most people feel this way when they face it. I was so dependent from my environment and even I do things without B plan, my parents still got my back. I didn't afraid of anything at all. But now I feel like I can't even change myself. Well, someone would tell me that I was very successful at my academics which is fortunate to me. But what if it was mere luck that guided me through those hard times? Should I rely on my mere luck? I wish I could. However, I am not superstitious about luck. I depend on preparations which makes me materialistic person even though I don't believe money won't buy happiness. But I should convince myself that it sure does make me feel safe.

Speaking of money, earning it is horrible. The one has to work 12 hours a day with 1 hour break at most. I feel dreadfully exhausted when I return. I want to do other fun things over internet but I can't. I am exhausted, my all energy gone for earning money that would reasonable cover my tuition fee, that I now think that earning a money through hard labor is just struggle to the happiness. I've never seen it from this angle. I merely thought that I am working for some other people which is terrible thing to realize.

I am so glad that I have written all these. Not just because I understood myself, but also speaking to myself feels quite useful times like this. It helps me to control and grasp my purpose. In the end, I decided to name this post as "Struggle to the happiness" which seems huge to write for likes of me and also it recalls the certain Will Smith's film. However, I just did it, therefore, I can make huge things in future that I would name it after I've done it, even though, it is painfully blurry right at this moment. What I have to do is that I have to stay employed and I merely have to try and believe in myself that I can do anything out of reach that I see I can't do, reasoning that writing this post or should I say essay was totally unbelievable thing to do in 30 minutes for me.